Reframe Negativity



Reframing negativity is so important to our well being so I’ve recently been considering the reframing of negativity I’ve experienced over the years.

One of my favourite sayings is “every cloud has a silver lining” and it’s a phrase I use often in my forthcoming book.

From teen days until my 40s, I experienced a lot of less than positive comments regarding how people (mainly girls/women) perceived me.

“You talk too much”

“You’re a bit much for me”

“I won’t let you ruin my life”

“You’re very spiky”

“You’re selfish”

“You’re just lucky”

“You’re not as nice as ….(insert name here)”



I felt for many years that I wasn’t the type of woman that other women liked.


  • I was surrounding myself with women who didn’t support or value me
  • I was surrounding myself with women who didn’t ‘get me’
  • I was surrounding myself with women who had made assumptions about me
  • I was surrounding myself with women who used me to make themselves feel better


Don’t get me wrong – I take my share of responsibility for that!

  • I allowed those women to treat me like that
  • I made assumptions about myself! and didn’t get to know myself well enough
  • I didn’t respect my own needs and feelings
  • I wasn’t allowing others to see the real me


Importantly -I didn’t realise that not everyone is going to like me! and that’s ok.

It’s so important to find your clan – find your tribe – find the ones who like/love you for you and like/love you BECAUSE of your quirks, not despite them.

All the negative comments landed hard with me at the time and unfortunately, like many of us, I have a great memory store for the hurtful stuff and a much smaller storage area for the countless lovely things that have been said to me.

All of the above were said to me by women in my life who thought they knew me and felt they had a right to offer an opinion on me.

Every comment hurt at the time as many were from people I had known for a long time; but, since then I’ve learnt to reframe such negativity and more importantly, to only spend time with people who bring positivity with them.

We don’t have to agree on everything, but we do need to care about each other’s feelings and to want the best for each other.

So let’s consider the reframe of those comments because I know the truth about me just as you do about you.

I’m in charge of my own perception and you’re in charge of yours!

This reframe still feels challenging as we’re taught not to ‘big ourselves up’ and not to be self indulgent but, think of this as your personal CV.

Sell your fabulousness (is that a word?!) and let’s see you shine.

Here’s my reframe to get my CV started … Read it then have a go at yours…

“You talk too much”

I learnt a long time ago that I needed to be chatty to make friends as I was always the new girl at school. I’m now a sociable adult (although perhaps a bit of an early discloser!) and my friends and colleagues love the energy I bring to an event.

“You’re a bit much for me”

I try very hard to be my best self for those around me to ensure they feel at ease. I am passionate about many things and yes! I’m loud but my natural empathy makes me easy to talk to about literally anything – If that’s not your thing then I understand and can recommend loads of fabulous associates and friends who will be more in keeping with what you need.

“I won’t let you ruin my life”

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings about themselves.

I am however, responsible for how I respond to situations which may make others review their own behaviour.

“You’re very spiky”

Like many people, my feelings are easily hurt so I have been guilty of reacting negatively when I’m misjudged or feel injustice around me, so if I appeared spiky or less than supportive, this is likely to be a reaction to another person’s attitude to me.

“You’re selfish”

Looking after myself is most emphatically NOT selfish – It’s not possible to be a supportive friend, mother, daughter, wife if you don’t look after your own needs first

(put your own oxygen mask on first!)

“You’re just lucky”

I personally don’t believe in luck but regardless; in my case, I have created all the good in my life by accepting help, taking risks, educating myself, surrounding myself with good people, removing negativity and not staying down when I fall. If that’s lucky then ok! I’m just lucky.

“You’re not as nice as …..”

Hmmm… this is a difficult one as it feels so personal – In reality, what the person should have said was “You’re nothing like …” and I’d have to agree because I’m unique and there’s no-one like me! – thanks for noticing 🙂


So ladies!

My 3 reframing tips for you are:


  1. Do your own personal CV – it’s not easy to blow your own trumpet but take this as permission from me to do so. (You are amazingly you and no-one should bring you down)
  2. Never be afraid to remove negative people from your life! You deserve to be understood for who you really are.
  3. If negativity is rolling around that large storage space in your brain then write it down and reframe it based on the facts of who you are.


If you need any help then give me a call on 07944 811939 or email: 


Jane Pangbourne


Jane xx





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